Who Me?

Intro to a self portrait artist who hates having her picture taken.

Making some introductions about who I am and what I do feels like a good place to start here. Rocket science, I know. I'm a real smarty pants.

I'm thinking I'll do one of these for three of my big four chosen niches. Self portraiture, intimate nature & street photography. The fourth also being my livelihood which is portraits of other people, mostly children, and while it's the cutest and some of the most rewarding work I do, they're minors so tough luck.

The tricky bit is that I feel like my relationship with self portraiture has been in a state of evolution, so in a way I'm unsure of what I want to say about it right now. It feels too redundant to tell my origin story. I've done it many times already so, if you're curious, you can pop over to see my features (including interviews) on Spectaculum Magazine and The Pictorial List. If you haven't deleted your instagram yet, mine is still up (though not exactly active) and pretty much all self portraits.

Origin story TLDR: Absolutely desperate inside a whole new deep of depression I picked up a camera and an excuse to use it. This saved my life.

A lot of my photography revolves around my mental health in one way or another. It's how I navigated out of the long dark stretch I had been a prisoner of since childhood. It helped me develop self trust and confidence. It's where I finally found my voice, my purpose and my joy. Is it too cheesy to say the camera picked me up? Well it did and then it proceeded to show me the light.

Self portraits in particular helped me to dig out my darkest depths. It gave me a lens to view myself. In a way, it helped me accept my existence, allowed me to take up space and not feel guilty about it. Not only that, but it gave me a way to be raw and honest in the space I take up. I could actually communicate, I could finally connect.

The ironic part here is that I don't actually like having my picture taken. In fact, I've been actively dodging frame since I first learned the art of m y s t e r y. Cue the fog.

Okay, I only wish I was that cool as a kid. Really the hiding stems from a desire to be invisible which stems from my good ol fashioned childhood trauma. I had one of those evangelical upbringings that had me feeling so small I wanted to disappear altogether by the time I hit double digits. That's a whole other can of maggoty worms overrun with leeches and slugs that we can leave for another day.

Left to right that's my hand at approximately 9, 11, 13 & 15 years old. If you catch me at all, you'll likely catch me like this.

I still avoid most photos these days. Only now it is because of m y s t e r y. Okay, still kidding (and still uncool but I'm cool with it). Mostly it's instinct at this point (maybe that is mystery?) but also I'm just a brat and I be like that. It isn't that same need to not be seen though. I shed that a ways back on the path out of that aforementioned childhood. I've come a real long way since then.

The habit carries in my self portrait work though, where I rarely show my face. If my whole head happens to make it in frame, there's a good chance my hair or one of my limbs is covering some or all of it. But this is the opposite of hiding. The truth I've needed to express has been dwelling deep in my body. It's been more effective for me to use the energy stored within my skin as a whole rather than that of just my face. It's a total visibility. Even if it isn't.

Not gonna lie I'm a little scared of sharing self portraits here. Not quite as much in a post like this, but still, and in a note where it's just out there in the wild is even more intimidating. It's weird because I don't have this fear sharing anywhere else. (Well, not usually anyway. Some work is just next level vulnerable that's harder to set free. Can I get an amen?) I don't know if I can fully name why really. Self portraits are what I filled my instagram gallery with. They're all over my website. They've been featured in online and print magazines. Yet I struggle to set them loose on substack.

Maybe it's that evolution I've been going through. I'm growing and my creative process isn't safe from change. The uncertainty of where this relationship is going is keeping me from wanting to commit to anything. I've decided I'm at a point where that feels fair and I can give myself the time I apparently need to cut my new direction. In the meantime, I'm trying to get back to the mental space I was in way back when this photography stuff was solely about learning and having fun. No pressure to be an artist making meaningful art. Just me with my camera doing what I love and trusting this will walk me where I'm meant to go next.

So here’s a collection of some of my self portrait work in both color and black and white. I love using them both equally. Most portraits make more sense in one or the other but don’t necessarily work quite right in both.

Flowers aren’t uncommon to see in my portraits. They inspire me to the moon and back and a lot of my earlier work includes them. I haven’t used them lately but think it might be time to revisit.

I very much dig motion…

And I like to make light my bitch. Just kidding we’re a team and I have nothing but respect for its power. If you catch me staring off, there’s a decent chance I’m analyzing some bit of light within my view (whether I know it or not).

Has this gotten too long? Are you still here? Ready for some black and white portraits? These can get pretty moody, delivering a hush of sadness, a punch of angst or sometimes plunging straight into the darkness (often some of that most vulnerable work). Taking away color can add so much to the effectiveness of the portrait, likely because the feelings themselves tend to be sitting in shadow, void of color. I may come from a dark place but this is me expelling some of my shadows. Portraits like these are signs of healing.

Oh, and did I mention I like to use my my hair?

So there you go. Me as the self portrait artist. Thanks for taking the time to learn a little about my journey.

If I’ve piqued your curiosity and you want to explore more self portrait photographers, a few of my personal inspirations include Francesca Woodman, Nan Goldin and Vivian Maier (I’m saving my street portraits for my street post). Also worth a look for the sheer power of their work is Zanele Muholi and Cindy Sherman. If you’re on instagram and want recs, I got a zillion, just hit me up.

And hey, whatever your strategy, don’t forget to take care of your mental health. It’s important.